She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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