dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
I intend to get homeless drunk
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
