I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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