New invention idea: vibrating tampons
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
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