I faked an abortion last night.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Drunk is not a location!
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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