Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
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