I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
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