Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
