This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
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