I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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