they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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