We're like a lot better than the average bears
when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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