I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Randomize
