woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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