I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
