You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
