he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
