Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
