What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
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i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
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Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
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