I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
