Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
