mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
This is my gift to your gina
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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