just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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