It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
