Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
