I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Randomize
