I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
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Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
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Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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