Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize
