Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Randomize
