Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Vodka?
Forever.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
