I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
