i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
