Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
