you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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