I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
She's the barista slut.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
