You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Randomize
