i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
