Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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