yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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