There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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