Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
