Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
