Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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