I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
