It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
