Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
