Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
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