he shaved USA in his pubs
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
