We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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