My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
