I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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