He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Randomize
