did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
that's an acceptable place to lick
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
You left your underwear on the fireplace
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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