So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
