Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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