You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
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