I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
