i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Randomize
