omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
