I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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